Running from a Dream
by Fallon-Idalia
Summary: She is his one reason to stay, but he has hundreds of reasons to run. Rated M for a reason.
1. Part I

**Disclaimer: **I do not own the Dragon Age universe. Characters you do not recognize were created by me for the purpose of this story. Rated M for themes of a very mature and dark nature including sex, angst, and hurt/comfort – do not read if content along that line could offend you.

Thank you for reading, and for any and all reviews left. They are all greatly appreciated! - Fallon.

**Running From A Dream**

**Part I**

Fenris paced back and forth before the hearth, trying desperately to collect his thoughts before she joined him. On a good day her mere presence made speech difficult, and after the events in the slave pens that caused old wounds to tear open he knew he'd have to force himself to give her the explanation she deserved.

The fire popped and cracked amongst the charred logs and ash covered stone, filling the silence that would have otherwise permeated the room.

He hated himself every time he was around her, hated the tightening in his chest and the sweat that slipped down to his palms and made him feel weak. Words always left him then, when she moved to fight beside him or playfully elbowed him in an attempt to snap him out of his seemingly endless depression.

If she had been born a mage like her sister, Fenris figured she could have just read his mind and they could move past the awkward stage of giving voice to his feelings. Despite his hatred of all things magic, he was accustomed to way it effected his mind and body thanks to the hundreds of hours Danarius had spent torturing him. What he wasn't used to was what she brought out in him every time she neared.

"Fenris?"

He turned and swallowed hard, "Thank you for agreeing to speak with me, Hawke."

It was obvious he had interrupted her nighttime routine, as she was clad in a thin, billowy nightgown and robe instead of her armour or finery. Her hair had been freed from its usual braid and fell over her shoulders in soft waves of auburn. She looked surprisingly delicate, though he knew that could not be further from the truth – he had fought beside her after all. She was a lethal rouge who could take down men thrice her size with a flick of her blades.

Lana smiled, "We've been through a lot together...it would take more than you raising your voice for me to turn you away entirely."

"Still," he sighed and looked away from her, "it was wrong of me to take my frustration out on you...you helped me after all."

She pulled her robe tighter around herself and chuckled lightly, "You're not the lost cause you make yourself out to be."

"Aren't I? You are the only one in our strange group that still seems able to bear my presence."

"Not sure about that, Fenris. Isabela has made it clear on multiple occasions that she would very much like to bask in your presence." She crossed her arms and gave him an accusing, albeit lighthearted, glare.

Fenris gave a short, deep laugh but inwardly was shivering.

Isabela had been chasing him for three years, shooting him flirtatious stares and accidentally bumping into him when they both accompanied Hawke. As a comrade on the field of battle she was a good sword to have at your side but her lecherous nature disgusted him and he often times felt the need to wash whenever she brushed up against him.

"The pirate wench is of no concern to me." He said bluntly.

Lana tried to hide her relief but allowed a small sigh to slip past her lips.

"Where did you run off to after the battle?"

Fenris started pacing again, "I needed time to think..."

"You had me worried," Lana admitted softly, "I tried to find you...but eventually decided you did not want to be found."

Fenris pursed his lips together, unsure what to make of the happiness her words gave him. The fact that she was looking for him made him feel something he did not recall experiencing before.

"I needed time to think...clear my head."

"And?" She asked hopefully, "Were things made clearer for you?"

Fenris was unable to think of the right words under the heat of her gaze and looked away. There was nothing remarkable about her eyes, they were common brown, and yet when he locked eyes with her he felt as weak as a kitten.

"You have to understand...what I was forced to endure at the hands of Hadriana was nothing less than a nightmare. Her skills in the art of torture were matched only by her disregard for life. It was what made her such a comfortable fit by Danarius's side."

Lana remained silent and still. Fenris spoke little about the actual details of his enslavement and as horrific as she suspected they would be, she loved Fenris far too much to silence him.

After all, people had been trying to silence him his entire life.

"Danarius would send me to her as a reward whenever she pleased him. Sometimes she would starve me for days before making me watch her eat a feast or deny me sleep. I broke down once and begged her for food...she...she had me whipped. But those were kindnesses compared to her favourite form of torture."

Lana wanted so badly to hold him. Not out of pity, but out of love. That someone she cared so greatly for had been mistreated pained her to the core of her soul. "Fenris..."

Anger surged through him and he couldn't stop himself from spilling everything. Regardless of what she thought of him after his confession, he knew everything had to be laid out in the open.

"I lied to you that time I swore there had been nobody," he clenched his fists and did not flinch even when his nails broke skin, "Hadriana would bind me to her bed with barbed wire and magic. She told me it was a reward for my loyal service, but she never permitted me release or satisfaction of any sort. I was a tool and she reminded me of it often."

Lana took one tentative step forward, "Then she deserved to die a thousand times over, Fenris."

"No! None of this feels as it should!" Fenris snarled in frustration.

"What did you expect it to feel like?"

Fenris sighed, "I thought I'd feel freed from her shadow. But instead I feel more confined then ever and it sickens me..."

When he finally found the strength to look up at her again, he expected to see pity and repulsion in her gentle features. Instead he realized she was closer to him then he had thought.

"You are free, Fenris." She reassured him softly, "You have but to shrug the chains of your past off and live."

"You do not understand..."

His words stung but she tried to hide that from him.

"I'm trying to."

He smiled ever so slightly. "I know...but I did not come here to burden you. This is a poor apology, but it's one of the few I've ever given."

He turned to leave, and she felt her body move before she could tell it otherwise.

She reached out and grabbed his wrist, "Fenris..."

His body flared with lyrium at the unexpected warmth of her touch. Memories of Hadriana's teasing and torture resurfaced despite his efforts to keep them submerged.

Fenris gave a primal hiss born of fear and rage and turned on her.

Lana's eyes opened wide as he pushed against the back of the lounge and pressed the palm of his hand over her heart in preparation to rip it from her body. She could feel the tension in his body and cursed herself for being foolish enough to touch him without his permission. Despite the danger she was in, Lana found his glow stunning. She wanted to reach out and trace the carvings that ran up his neck, to kiss them and whisper in his ear as she held him. If she died in the process of doing such, she'd at least die happy.

Fenris could feel the pounding of her heart under his hand but it was upon glancing to her eyes that he realized what he was doing and his rage began to recede.

She was not an enemy, she had only ever been kind and patient with him.

Her chest was heaving as she tried to prepare herself but she saw something switch in him and the lyrium began to fade.

"Hawke...I..."

"Fenris."

He had done it, pushed away the only person who he considered a real friend, "P-Please, forgive me."

But how could she? He had come perilously close to killing her! Everything was ruined now and he knew for certain he would be forced to flee once again, leaving it all behind.

She murmured his name again and placed her hand over his, keeping it pinned over her heart. Lana ran her fingers over the sharp ridges of his gauntlet, working up the courage to continue what had been set in motion.

"You can't scare me away..."

Fenris stood frozen in place, unable to move or protest her moving even closer to him. He shivered as she trailed her fingers across his cheek.

She needed to be closer to him – damn the risks!

"I'd never hurt you, Fenris."

"I-I don't understand...what do you want from me?"

Lana stood on the tips of her toes and kissed the corner of his lips. "I want only to give to you."

Fenris had up to this moment acquainted sex and intimacy with power and domination. To Hadriana he had been a tool, a means to an end. She took from him what she wanted, and gave him neither release or comfort. Sex was just another weapon to her. But here Lana was offering herself to him, just moments after he nearly killed her. And he was not naive, he knew he could still snap and kill her yet.

He grabbed her hands and held her back from him, "I do not require your...pity."

"I'm not doing this out of pity Fenris," she did not fight his hold, "I'm doing it out of love."

He released his hold on her as her words sunk in, "L-Lana..."

She placed a light kiss upon his lips, "Will you come with me upstairs?"

Fenris said nothing, for her kiss had sucked the air out of his lungs, but followed her willingly as she lead him by the hand.

* * *

Lana shut the door behind them and watched Fenris as he took in his surroundings.

He wandered over to her desk and leafed through the various books that laid piled there.

"What...are they concerning?" He asked nervously.

Fenris had admitted to her not long ago that he did not know how to read. She felt foolish for assuming he had been taught as a slave and offered to teach him how. They're lessons were going well, but Lana knew the books on her desk were beyond his current level of comprehension.

"The History of Kirkwall and A Brief History of the Templars. The others are about Ferelden and...Tevintar."

He looked back at her for an explanation.

Lana shrugged, "I wanted to learn more about where you came from."

Fenris closed the book and tensed as she touched his shoulder and had him face her.

"Does my touch offend you?" She asked in a gentle tone, "The door is not locked Fenris...I'll not force you to remain here."

"It's not that." He shook his head and tried to look away.

She stopped him from doing so, "Talk to me..."

He sighed, "I am...unsure how to proceed."

_Without hurting you..._

Lana chuckled and smiled sweetly, "Let me show you."


	2. Part II

**Disclaimer: **I do not own the Dragon Age universe. Characters you do not recognize were created by me for the purpose of this story. Rated M for themes of a very mature and dark nature including sex, angst, and hurt/comfort – do not read if content along that line could offend you.

Thank you for reading, and for any and all reviews left. They are all greatly appreciated! - Fallon.

**Running from a Dream**

**Part II**

Fenris was unaccustomed to being touched.

He told others it was because it caused the lyrium to flare and burn, but the truth of it was he felt that it took away his control and left him open for attack.

It both puzzled and calmed him when her touch evoked no fear in him. She was only lightly tracing his carvings along his arm, but it permeated deep into him and warmed him to the bone.

He felt no hatred radiating from Hawke like he had with Hadriana back when she made him her pet, when he was a slave.

"Fenris?"

Her voice brought him back to the present and pushed painful memories of his torture to the recesses of his mind.

"Y-Yes?"

"I asked you if it would be alright if I kissed you?"

He swallowed hard. Her lips had been the object of his fascination for some time. They were not painted like the women in the darker corners of Hightown, nor were they incredibly full. He found their shape lovely however, particularly the ever so slight pout she had.

"I...yes."

Lana grabbed his shoulders and stood on the tips of her toes. She could still feel tension in him, but a quick glance at his emerald eyes told her it wasn't because of discomfort or lack of want. He was nervous but that only made her all the more determined to make him happy and give him peace.

She brushed her lips against his with all the pressure of a gentle breeze.

Having heard him inhale sharply, Lana risked wrapping her arms loosely around his neck and kissed him again. He felt just as she had imagined, warm but rough. The number of times she had fantasized about those lips was something she'd never give voice to. She wanted more, and badly needed his lips to wander over her.

She pulled away just as he began to kiss back and he looked at her in confusion.

"You can touch me, Fenris." Lana assured him softly, "I'd very much like it if you did. Please?"

Her final word was barely a whisper, but it sent a shiver through him like lightening. Aware he still wore his clawed gauntlets, he carefully ran a finger down her cheek. Her breathing quivered in excitement and he felt her arms tighten around him. Slipping a finger under her chin, he brought her lips back to his in a moment of boldness that surprised even him.

The woman before him had done more to help him in his pursuit of total freedom than anyone else in all the years he had been running. Stranger still, she had no reason to do so. At first he suspected she had ulterior motives the same as anyone, but not once had she ever asked anything of him or lost patience with him when he lashed out at her or another of their comrades. This woman who held him so intimately and forgave him when he nearly killed her. She cared for him, and as he realized that it wrapped him in a blanket of safety he had not experienced in his entire life. He felt hope that somehow she would help him figure it all out.

_Lana...my Hawke..._

Lana moaned when he began kissing her with need. She felt his hands slip around her and hold her firmly to his chest.

Without breaking the kiss, she found the straps to his chest piece and began tugging on them. She wanted to see more of him, learn the pattern of his lyrium and take it to memory. If it took her the entire night she didn't care, it would be time well spent.

She broke their kiss and stared into his eyes as he lowered her back to the ground. She remained clung to him, unable and unwilling to let him go for fear he would vanish.

Without saying a word, he helped her with the clasp she had been having trouble with and soon enough was able to toss the offending armour to the ground. Lana managed the straps to his gauntlets herself and squeezed his hand once it was free of the jagged metal.

The lyrium was stunning against his olive skin and as she admired him she reminded herself that it was getting them that ruined his life and made him forget who he was.

"It seems unfair," she pondered more to herself them Fenris, "that something so lovely could have caused so much pain..."

Fenris cupped her cheek, "You are lovely, Hawke...and have brought no pain into my life."

She smiled and looked away bashfully, "Brooding aside, you've done the same."

He smirked, "You should not listen to what the abomination or the dwarf say...I do not brood."

With a devious twinkle in her eye, she began unlacing the ties of his tunic. "Regardless, it's quite adorable at times."

Fenris snorted, "That was not the look I was going for."

Lana chuckled, "Oh I was quite intimidated when I first met you."

He quirked a brow, unsure if she was being sarcastic or not.

"Truly," she insisted, "I'd never seen an elf so beautiful and yet so...sad."

Fenris rested his brow against hers and she stopped fumbling with the laces to look at him.

"I am not sad now."

Lana swallowed hard, "Fenris..."

He pulled her close, pinning her hands between them, and kissed her neck. He could feel her pulse under his lips and licked the spot tentatively, unsure if it would please her or not.

Whenever he did something that Hadriana had disapproved of he was given a beating that left him unable to move comfortably for weeks. On more than one occasion servants were needed to pry her off of him when she lost control of herself. Burns, shocks, lashes...all were common when it came to Hadriana.

Lana arched against him, pawing hopelessly for the laces, moaning his name.

Needless to say, it was the reaction he was hoping for.

He released her and breathed heavily as she finally worked the laces free. In one fluid motion it was up and over his head, and then on the floor with his armour.

Fenris watched her as her eyes trailed over his chest. The lyrium was far more intricate there than anywhere else on his body, and it had been the most excruciating of all other carvings.

Glowing blue-white swirls trailed down from his neck and wrapped around his muscles. They were like vines of magic, branching out in every direction to paint him with their luster. She knew it must have taken hundreds of hours to get every detail right and the thought pained her. Worse yet were the dozens of scars that marred his body. They did not cut through the lyrium or break the seamless lines, but rather seemed to appear around them. Some she identified as healed burns, whether magical or natural she could only guess, while others were clearly from a whip.

She found herself tracing a carving that danced along the side of his stomach and continued over his hip bone.

How could he have survived the process that gave him the markings and the beatings that had occurred there after?

"Oh Fenris..."

He saw the worry in her eyes.

"They do not hurt, Lana."

She cautiously withdrew her hand, "But my touch -"

"Causes me no pain," he brushed a strand of hair out of her face nervously, "only comfort."

Her heart tightened in her chest. That was what she wanted to be for him – comfort in its purest form.

She loosened the ribbon that bound her robe shut and shrugged the fine cotton off. Aware his eyes were fixed upon her, she blushed but continued to disrobe.

When her fingers neared the ribbons at the neck of her nightgown, Fenris stopped her. Her fears that she had done something wrong were alleviated when he began working them free himself.


	3. Part III

**Disclaimer: **I do not own the Dragon Age universe. Characters you do not recognize were created by me for the purpose of this story. Rated M for themes of a very mature and dark nature including sex, angst, and hurt/comfort – do not read if content along that line could offend you.

I thought I would try something different with this story. I hope it shows how tortured and conflicted Fenris is, and perhaps why he walked out on Hawke. Thank you for reading, and for any and all reviews left. They are all greatly appreciated! - Fallon.

**Running from a Dream**

**Part III**

Fenris embraced Hawke, sighing in contentment as their naked flesh met. She was soft and warm, like the sun on a summer's day. Scars were plentiful on her skin, but they did not lessen the intensity of his feelings for her or make him second guess what they were about to do.

Again and again he asked himself how he could be the one sharing her bed, holding her. Surely there were others more deserving of her affections and more capable of giving her everything she desired?

He was a runaway slave.

She was a rouge refugee from a land once dead.

* * *

_Fenris whimpered and bit the inside of his cheek._

_Her movements were especially cruel this night and he suspected something had gone wrong in court to have her so riled up. Hadriana's moods greatly reflected the happenings of court. If she or Danarius had acquired new slaves, she was particularly jovial. If one of her rivals earned an honor she did not...well, it always meant a long night for Fenris followed by days of discomfort. _

_Hadriana wrapped her hands around his throat and squeezed._

_He focused on breathing and remaining motionless and tried to find a safe corner in his mind to hide, as he so often did. _

_When her appetite was finally sated, she rose from him and readjusted her robes before beckoning him to stand before her. Fenris did as she asked and fought the urge to cringe as she dragged her fingers across his chest, sending small bolts of magical energy into him._

"_Do you know how easy it would be for me to kill you?" She asked in a malicious whisper._

_Fenris nodded obediently._

_As it was he was covered in fresh welts and scrapes from this latest session of abuse masked as sex. Once again he had been denied release, and he remained hard and aching from just how close he had been pushed by her. The sweat covering his battered body only made his wounds more noticeable and he knew come morning bruises would have risen to add to the collage of hurt that mapped him._

"_Regardless of the lyrium, you are replaceable."_

"_Yes, mistress."_

_She glared at him, "Do you think yourself better than the others?"_

_He shook his head solemnly and averted his eyes, "No, mistress."_

"_Good," the tension left her body, "because in the end there is little different between you and every other slave. The lyrium in your skin is precious, but you are just a vessel. In time someone stronger will arrive and the lyrium will be transferred to their body. When that day comes, little wolf, I assure you I will be there to help Danarius turn you inside out!"_

"_I understand."_

_She smirked, "Master broke you well. Tell me, what do you recall of the ritual that provided you with your markings?"_

_Fenris risked a look up at her, "Only...pain, mistress."_

"_It was intense, was it not?"_

_He became extremely uneasy and swallowed hard, "It was like...like nothing I've experienced since. There are times when I still feel it, my lady."_

_Hadriana seemed pleased with his response, "The pain you felt at that moment will be nothing compared to what you feel when you have outlived your usefulness, little wolf. I promise you that."_

* * *

Fenris placed a trail of kisses down her back, paying special attention to a jagged scar over her shoulder blade. She explained that it was from a mercenary she faced not long after arriving in Kirkwall. He wished he had been there so as to be the one to end the miserable scum's life, but Lana assured him that the man had paid.

Hawke smiled and twisted under him so their chests pressed together. She told him not to worry, to think only of them and the moment they were sharing.

He kissed her, groaning when she slipped her hand between them and caressed him.

* * *

_The boy formerly known as Leto went limp as the guards grabbed a hold of him and began leading him down a dank corridor. Stripped of his family, friends and his name, he had only what his master permitted him to have. _

_And right now that was nothing._

_His heart was pounding with the intensity of a war drum and he could just barely hear his breathing over it. _

_Danarius had sent his new apprentice to him and the young woman had given him a tonic she said would address his nightmares. As soon as the cup was dry, his head started to spin and he could hardly keep his eyes open._

_The boy knew what was coming._

_His boon had been granted and now he had to pay the price._

* * *

Tears brewed in his emerald eyes and he buried his face in the crook of her neck to hide them from her.

Lana had her legs wrapped around his waist like a vice, preventing him from pulling out. She threaded her fingers into his hair and trembled beneath him.

"Fenris...my love..."

His hips jerked forward of their own accord and she whispered into his ear, telling him that no matter what she would never abandon him.

Overcome with pleasure and unsullied happiness, Fenris held on to her like she was his life line.

* * *

_The boy formerly known as Leto arched his back and screamed as the blade was pressed into his flesh. It was red with heat, but it was not from any fire. _

_Magic filled the room, violating his body and tearing the remnants of his past life to shreds._

_Tears fell down the side of his face, rolling into his ears. He begged to see his sister and mother, turning to his master and asking him directly if he could go home._

"_You are home, Fenris." The old magister replied calmly._

_The blade was again lowered. _

_He screamed his mother's name and heard one of the assistants laugh at his cries._

_Danarius placed one hand on the boy's chest to help hold him down as he continued his tedious work. He carved a groove down the middle of the youth's chest and motioned for Hadriana to bring the lyrium. Working quickly, the magister took the funnel from the woman and began introducing the burning liquid to the wound._

_The boy's screams turned shrill, trailing off only when he ran out of breath._

_Danarius had seen many things in his years, but never had he witnessed such stubbornness. Any other man would have passed out from now from the pain, but here this boy was enduring. _

_Hadriana cursed and shoved a balled up cloth into the boy's mouth. It did little to silence the cries, and she slapped him hard to drive the message home. _

_Danarius commended himself for coming up with the idea of the competition, and the slave boy for winning. His champion would be strong indeed._

_As the first hour ended, the boy finally passed out and Danarius was permitted blissful silence in which to complete his work. There were many hours ahead of him, and there was no room for error._

* * *

Fenris paced back and forth before the fire, naked and sweating profusely.

Memories; they had returned.

He ran his fingers through his hair and looked back at Lana, hoping for some sign as to what he should do. She was tangled in the sheets, sleeping soundly with a happy smile on her lips. He wanted to return to her side, but it was all too much.

That his past reappeared to bite him when he was with his Hawke troubled him immensely. Through everything she had been the one glimmer of light. She had accepted him despite it all and had taken him into her heart and to her bed. In meeting her, he thought maybe he really could break free from the chains of a lifetime of slavery.

_Maker have mercy on me...on her..._

But it seemed he was to be granted no peace, no lasting happiness.

_I'm so sorry..._

Lana was a hero of the people, but he knew in his heart even she could not right all the wrongs he had experienced. He wished that he had been born in another place, far from the reach of Danarius and magic. Perhaps then he could be a normal man, the type a woman as caring as Hawke deserved.

He heard her stir behind him and proceeded to dress himself as quickly and as quietly as he could manage.

He was a fool.

But what hurt him more than the return of long buried memories was that the woman he loved would have to pay for his naivety.

Lana awoke and upon registering the lack of his warmth in her bed, rose to watch him. She asked him if he was alright, if he was in pain.

He damned himself for hurting his friend, a woman who had already given so much to Kirkwall and to him.

"I...we need to speak, Hawke."

He turned to face her and his heart sank.

She had heard the tone in his voice and her chin was already quivering in anticipatory grief.

_Forgive me..._


End file.
